October 2020

I can’t believe it has been more than half a year since I last wrote something. I guess it’s just one of the consequences of getting posted to a staff vocation: sitting in the office all day mindlessly switching between Outlook and Excel over and over again, sucking up all energy and motivation to do my personal stuff. Even on the weekends, I just feel like recharging.

As this year’s JC2s graduated last week, they flooded my Instagram feed with so many posts. I thought of my own graduation, and how two eventful years flew by. Yes, I miss the physical school. But that isn’t all. During lunch on 6 October, I went to the National Library. As I walked down Purvis Street and the sun shone mightily, I felt this scholarly academic feeling: so many research questions on my mind, the smallness of humanity trying to grapple with the universe. The pursuit of knowledge is inherently child-like, full of wonder and curiosity. Suddenly, I felt at home, despite not being in Hwa Chong. Damn, I really miss school. I kept thinking if I had peaked in school. On paper, I didn’t. But now I realise a large part of me died when I received my teddy bear from Mr Perry on Thursday, 11 October 2018.

To be honest, that part of me was meant to die once the time had come. But I had intended to clone a copy of it and carry on from there. I guess this is where a bit of Sec 3 Lit comes in handy:

But Mousie, thou art no thy-lane,

In proving foresight may be vain:

The best laid schemes o’ Mice an’ Men

          Gang aft agley,

An’ lea’e us nought but grief an’ pain,

          For promis’d joy!

Still, thou art blest, compar’d wi’ me!

The present only toucheth thee:

But Och! I backward cast my e’e,

          On prospects drear!

An’ forward tho’ I canna see,

          I guess an’ fear!

I remember the time we (17A15 and other HP peeps from 17A14) sent Wanlin off last year to the UK. We took turns exchanging hugs and wishes, and when it became my turn, she hugged me and thought for a while before saying, “see you in Oxford.” I applied to Oxford two years ago. I made it to the interview, but I got rejected afterwards due to subpar TSA and interview results. Of course, I can only do so much, but at least the only way is up. There is something liberating about being at the bottom. It’s just like my ‘U’ for H2 Economics Block Test 2 in July 2018. The helplessness, anguish and desperation seared scars in my memory. I walked around College Block B confused, searching for tears but finding none. There was only one thing in my control — getting back to work asap — and that’s what I did. It was a learning experience for me, but I don’t wish it upon anybody else.

On 11 October, I met Valerie (17A14) at SMU for a photo shoot. She wanted a portrait of herself and I agreed to be the photographer. Of course, it would be a waste if we just met up to complete the task of the day, so we had a nice chat over coffee at a campus café called Onalu first. I had a cappuccino — very fruity and quite cheap at $4.50 — while she had an iced green tea kombucha.

We talked about what we were both up to. As a business student, she’s really involved in start-ups. With less than four months left until I ORD, I was excited but apprehensive about my future. At the end of JC2, I had a bucketload of dreams and ambitions, but over the years some dripped through the cracks and now my bucket is half-full. I have treated NS exactly like how I described it last year: a colourful aberration, but an aberration nonetheless. I pressed the pause button on my life for two years. And now, as I am about to press play again, the world has changed. I used a mathematical metaphor to describe this subtle frustration. I don’t mind change; I think I am quite adaptive. But I would very much prefer it to be continuous. This feels like a jump discontinuity; I am a somersaulting Mario.

Adding to this sentiment, Valerie pointed out that we are now leading different lives, struggling with our own unique challenges. We may give one another advice, but its helpfulness will be limited. It’s not like sharing Literature notes anymore, where we worked towards the same A-Level exam together. We now have our own tests to take. All we can do is encourage and commiserate. (How lonely is it if we can only do so much!) Yeah sure, we will meet new people along the way whose pathways align with our own and become comrades in similar strife. But these were the people I grew up with, and time and life have yanked them out of my arms.

On 16 October, I joined Alicia, Xuan Jin and Ian for drinks at Hopstation. Their Happy Hour was not bad, but it ended early at 7 pm. It was the most fun and candid conversation I’ve head in months. Alicia wrote, “I can’t believe Chinese Hamlet brought us together and now we just shit talk men.” Very pithy; very Alicia indeed.

On 24 October, I caught up with Zi Ming, who is now an NUS PPE + USP freshman living at Cinnamon College. After dinner at the Clementi Mall Kaffe & Toast, we milled about the mall talking about university and how modules were taught at NUS I bought a bottle of cheap Chilean Merlot from the Fairprice downstairs, and then we left for UTown on the 96. At UTown, I bumped into 5 other Hwa Chongians, all seniors from some form of student council: Edmund Loh (42HSC), Gary Lim (iCouncil 2013), Goh Hong Pei (iCouncil), Choo Yi Jun (College Students Council) and Stephen Yeo Toh Cheng (Ortus Council). Crazy, right?

岁月的路口

走散人和梦

只有校园钟声依旧

∎