Analysis of "This I Fear Most" by Ng Yi-Sheng

When I first found this gem of a poem in "A Book of Hims", I knew it would be my favourite for a long time. The poem is so sweet, it's ridiculous. If Ed Sheeran's "Perfect" was a sonnet, this would be it.

---

This I Fear Most
Ng Yi-Sheng

That I am not a light to guide you home,

No shining beacon and no candle flame.

That I am but a ragged burden thrown

Against the bony shoulders of your frame,

And every path you tread into the night

I do encumber. That I do mistake

That sunny grin for spirit and delight,

Though it is worn to better bear the ache.

This I fear most. So I command you: should

You tire of me, strip me from your back

And burn me like a hecatomb of wood.

With raging heat, the heavens I’ll attack

Until the dark dissolves away like foam.

Then step ahead. My light shall guide you home.

---

Analysis

"This I Fear Most" by Ng Yi-Sheng is a Shakespearean sonnet about the selfless nature of love and the relationship between Ng and his lover. In particular, the poem highlights Ng's fear of not being enough for his lover, as well as Ng's desperation to do all it takes to be deserving of his lover's acceptance.

The universal appeal and relatability of this poem is due to its lack of a distinctive persona. The voice of this poem can be anyone's. Ever felt inadequate, imperfect, more of a liability than an asset? Who doesn't worry "[t]hat I am not a light to guide you home"? Who isn't afraid of being a "ragged burden" to one's lover, the weight of the burden eating into the lover's "bony shoulders"? And as if the burden is not heavy enough, the lover has to fake an additional "sunny grin" to "better bear the ache". Ng invites us to sympathise for this lover — our lover — by making us understand the pains that the lover must endure, through the use of the vivid image of a heavy load "thrown / [a]gainst" the malnourished, skinny body which has to carry all that weight.

Therefore, it is no coincidence that Ng writes in the first person, to make us read "I" aloud ourselves. We feel for this lover, and we all want to be the "I" who is willing to make the immense sacrifice of being "burn[ed] [...] like a hecatomb of wood" in order to give the lover light and happiness.

Besides the use of the first person narrative voice, Ng also uses the distinctive juxtaposition between light and darkness. There is "not a light", "[n]o shining beacon and no candle flame" as "you tread into the night". That the only source of light in all this darkness is the "sunny grin" which the persona's lover has to force despite the burden already on the lover's shoulders emphasises the guilt experienced by the persona when he fails to provide additional light for his lover. In line 6, this guilt is reinforced by the actual encumbrance to the smooth progression of the line: the abrupt caesura that splits the iamb "ber. That" in two. The persona feels that he is just a clumsy liability who is of zero help to his lover. How depressing must it be to see one's lover in such a sorry state — estranged, aimless and marooned! Even worse, caused by one's own inability to provide that light and reassurance of guidance for one's lover!

Thus, Ng naturally leads the reader to the third stanza which is the climax of the poem, and also, where "I" is most desperate and assertive. Note the diction in the first line of the final quatrain. The superlative "most" is followed by a full stop, hammering down the monosyllabic four-word sentence "This I fear most." Also, "I" does not plead, beg or pray, but rather "command[s]" his lover to "strip [him] from [his lover's] back / And burn [him] like a hecatomb of wood" without hesitation, if his lover ever finds it hard to maintain the relationship. The anastrophe in "With raging heat, the heavens I'll attack" emphasises the intensity and magnitude of such a feat, adding vital strength to the declaration. In contrast, imagine if there was no inverted syntax: "I'll attack the heavens, with raging heat". Lame.

The poem ends with a heroic couplet — the persona's invitation to his lover to come "home" and get closer to him. Here, the image of "the dark dissolv[ing] away like foam" is especially evocative. The onomatopoeic sibilance in "dissolve" mimics the slow fizzing and bubbling away of the foam. Literally and metaphorically, all has become light (轻+亮) after the persona's figurative self-immolation. No more "burden", no more "night"; all is golden, all is bright. A sweet and beautiful ending indeed.

Above all this, it is structure that makes the poem work. This poem is organised as a narrative: the first two stanzas introduce the reader to the persona's concerns and failings, before the climax occurs in the third stanza, finally ending off with a nice heroic couplet. The flawlessness of the poem's form echoes the persona's sincere attempt to be the best version of himself for his lover. Iambic pentameter; an ABAB CDCD EFEF GG rhyme scheme; what more can one expect from a classic Shakespearean sonnet? This tightly bound, impeccably packaged poem is the persona's gift to his lover — the culmination of all his efforts to be the perfect person finally deserving of his lover's acceptance.

"This I Fear Most" is a beautifully composed poem which captures so much of the selflessly human side of love that seeks to give, nourish and care for another person. If that is what we seek, I hope it is what we will find. ∎