Freedom and Self

The Self, © 2015 Quince Pan

I have struggled with the concept of self for quite a while. It is an amusing coincidence that "The Mind and Self in Literature" has come back to bite me at the A Levels.

What is the self? Here, I wish to focus not on the physical self, but the mental self. Essence, not existence. Hence, by "self", I mean "personal identity". (Allow me to use these two terms interchangeably because "self" is much shorter and thus more convenient to use than "personal identity".)

Common wisdom says that the value of the self stems from its authenticity. "Stay true to yourself," or so they say. But what is a true self? Can we ever know who we are? This view assumes that the self is foundational and constant, so that we can make decisions based on this unchanging standard.

This problem can be circumvented by ditching authenticity altogether. "Stay true to your beliefs about yourself." In this case, it is not the self per se that we are referencing, it is what we think the self is. It is an unchanging set of beliefs that we enforce and keep constant.

For me, this manifests in the form of a few fundamental, uncompromisable values that I fall back on in times of difficulty. These are partly shaped by my encounters with others, experiences in life and the way I do things (best practices).

The most important of them all is independence — in all senses of the word. Incidentally, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, to be independent is to be:

1. Free from outside control; not subject to another's authority.
2. Not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence.
3. Capable of thinking or acting for oneself.
4. Not connected with another or with each other; separate.

I am strongly fond of 1, 2 and 3.

I absolutely abhor micro-management. In most cases, I agree with others on organisational goals and standards, but I reject any imposition of a regimented procedure on me. When I collaborate with others, I do not that insist that they do things a particular way.

An analogy to illustrate my point: You and I agree that we should head from Singapore to Kuala Lumpur in less than 2 hours. I want to take a flight, of which all costs will be absorbed by me. If you want to take the bullet train, that's completely fine. Just don't insist that I take the bullet train with you. So long as I have not defaulted on what was initially agreed upon (namely the three conditions: start in Singapore, end in Kuala Lumpur, less than 2 hours), I shall be allowed to do anything I like, so shall you.

I do not enjoy being beholden to anyone for any matter. It's like how a country wants to minimise its external debt; there is no way I'm going to put myself up as collateral, in case I default the loan. Not that I will, but the probability is surely not zero. That is why I have been reluctant to celebrate my own birthday (although in recent years this is changing) — I'll have to return the favour to myself and to others. I will only accede to favours if I feel that it is a worthy cause and I will have no regrets repaying it altogether. Self-sufficiency is a corollary that easily follows.

However, I am concerned with 4.

Do 1, 2 and 3 entail 4? It is plausible because 1, 2 and 3 are premised on individual sovereignty and sustenance — which allow for no external interference — resulting in disconnection and separation with others, and therefore 4.

(1 ∧ 2 ∧ 3) ⇒ 4

1 and 2 and 3 necessarily imply 4.

4 ⇏ (1 ∧ 2 ∧ 3)

4 does not necessarily imply 1 and 2 and 3.

The converse does not hold. That, I believe, is the source of a lot of interpersonal misunderstanding. People assume that being separated from others must always indicate introversion, unmindfulness, or some other absurd conclusion. On the contrary, I like to have my own space to exercise my autonomy, experiment with ideas, and act in response to the outside world. I do participate in external affairs, perhaps not always conspicuously, for I lack the energy to do so sometimes.

I think 4 is necessary for my functioning. However, it does bring about undesirable side-effects, which I bear with and try to mitigate. Undesirable as they are, I am not willing to compromise on 1, 2 and 3.

Alas, I am condemned to be free. ∎